The Home of Baltimore's BettyButterflyBBBW

So much to say...so little space!

Name:
Location: Fort Worth, Texas, United States

I am a Big, Beautiful, Intelligent, Black, Young Lady from Northwest Baltimore. I am a Harmonic Refined Daughter of the King and a combination Betty and Butterfly BAP. I debuted with Baltimore County Alumnae Chapter of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc. in Novemeber, 2005. Also, an Aries and Dragon. Currently a freshwoman at the Texas Christian University. GO FROGS!

Sunday, January 22, 2006

By the way, why is it so damned hard for me to find a suitable man? I know that I am into older men and not guys my age, but aside from that, there has to be another reason. I am told that I am not approachable and that I should flirt more and be less "stoic" and "let my guard down." Those things are hard to do since I did not know that my guard was up in the first place. I do not really know how to flirt. Apparentley, what I consider flirting is not hitting it. Besides, I am not down with the "nigga" mentality. I want to date and have a relationship with a young man, not a nigga. And I just do not like the looks, actions and attitudes (or gold teeth and cornrows) of most of the guys my age. I know that good things come to those who wait, but I am not good at waiting and my patience grows less each day. I do not think that I am bad looking, and I know that I have some self-esteem problems, but overall, I think that I am alright. I am losing weight (now that I am not trying to), I hope to get contacts, already have braces, (in desperate need of a relaxer, though), so I guess one could say that I am trying. I am not perfect, though I strive to do and be my best and it is disheartening when I try so hard to look the part and still try to be myself and still come up short. I have a lot of things on my mind and on my plate right now and I cannot help it if I do not look approachable. I believe that if a man does not have the guts to speak to me, then what need would I have for him? Why should I "soften up" if that is not who I am? Why should I be soft so that I can get a man? It is in my nature as an Aries and a Dragon to have and need a mate, but that is not happening...at least so far it has not. I know that I may be picky, but if one is not, then I will get anything and I do not want just anything. As many things as I have been praying for, I have not had the space (or breath) to add this to it. It just seems so stupid! I feel stupid because I feel tears in my eyes and heaviness in my heart right now because I feel unworthy some how of any kind of love or affection from a man. Not having a father in my life has really fucked me up and I do not know what kind of impact it will have later in my life. Not having a man around for the past 17 years and 10 months has made me want to have a man call me beautiful (and I want to feel beautiful) and love me and want me and sometimes, I do not feel like it is possible.

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